On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
