Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
