We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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