I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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