Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Randomize
