Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She's the barista slut.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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