I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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