A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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