What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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