I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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