he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
