am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
