I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
