When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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