OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
