Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
