The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
