I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
