my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I think my fart just growled at me.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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