I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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