just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
