One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
