I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
