as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
