I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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