I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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