Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I need water and some morals
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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