My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
