I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Someone shattered a urinal.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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