see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
