Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
