I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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