Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
either way he was missing a nipple.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
