drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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