don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
