Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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