i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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