I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
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