I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize