I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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