I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
