I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You ruined the universe
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
