i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
