If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
