Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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