My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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