Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
