I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
they call him Oral-B. enough said
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
