So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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