I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
