instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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