got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My ATM looks so different sober.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
