Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
