It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
