based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
