bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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