I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
